TalkTalk

"Call out the instigator
Because there's something in the air
We've got to get together sooner or later
Because the revolutions here"

TalkTalk
If this were not true it would make a damn good comedy sketch! I can just imagine Ronnie Corbett making the call to the call centre and Ronnie Barker, with blackened hair, darkened skin and a strong Indian accent taking the call.

This is the scene
My broadband is not working. All of a sudden it drops. It has dropped for a few hours and not come back on, so I call the TalkTalk broadband helpline. This is what happens…

Call 1
Call out the instigator...
[Recorded] Please choose from the following options…
[Recorded] Please enter the number you are calling about…
[TalkTalk] Thank you for calling… my name is… …please tell me the number you are calling about… …can you confirm your name… …your address and post code… …and your bank the direct debit is with… … how can I help?…
[AC] My broadband has stopped working.
[TalkTalk] When did this happen?
[AC] About 5.30.
[TalkTalk] What modem are you using?
[AC] A Netgear router.
[TalkTalk] I will need you to call another number as I cannot help you with that modem.
[AC] All I want you to do is test the line as the broadband connection is not working.
[TalkTalk] But first we have to eliminate a few things, and you must call another number for help with your Netgear router.
[AC] OK I have a Speedtouch 330; can you help me if I use that?
[TalkTalk] Yes I can
(I swap over modems)
[TalkTalk] What are the lights doing on the modem?
[AC] The USB light is on but the ASDL light is flashing – this is because I cannot pick up a broadband connection.
[TalkTalk] Can you try another micro-filter?
[AC] Yes, I have, I have tried another already.
[TalkTalk] Can you try one now?
[AC] Yes, but unplugging this one will terminate the call.
[TalkTalk] You will need to try another one before I can help you further.

(I change the microfilter and get cut off)

Call 2
Call out the instigator...
[Recorded] Please choose from the following options…
[Recorded] Please enter the number you are calling about…
[TalkTalk] Thank you for calling… my name is… …please tell me the number you are calling about… …can you confirm your name… …your address and post code… …and your bank the direct debit is with… … how can I help?…
[AC] My broadband has stopped working I have just called and was told to change the micro-filter, which I have but it still does not work.
[TalkTalk] What modem are you using?
[AC] Speedtouch 330
[TalkTalk] What are the lights doing on the modem?
[AC] The USB light is on but the ASDL light is flashing – this is because I cannot pick up a broadband connection.
[TalkTalk] Are there any additional devices on the line?
[AC] No
[TalkTalk] Is there an extension cable on the line?
[AC] Yes
[TalkTalk] you will need to plug the microfilter directly into the main socket without the extension.
[AC] Yes but unplugging it will terminate the call.
[TalkTalk] You will need to plug it directly into the main socket before I can help you further.

(I reconnect into main socket and get cut off)

Call 3
Call out the instigator...
[Recorded] Please choose from the following options…
[Recorded] Please enter the number you are calling about…
[TalkTalk] Thank you for calling… my name is… …please tell me the number you are calling about… …can you confirm your name… …your address and post code… …and your bank the direct debit is with… … how can I help?…
[AC] My broadband has stopped working. I have called twice already. I was told to change the micro-filter, which I have, and plug it into the main socket, which I have but it still does not work. All I want you to do is test the line as it seems to be a problem your end.
[TalkTalk] can you change your microfilter
[AC] NO, I HAVE TRIED THREE DIFFERENT MICROFILTERS TWO DIFFERENT MODEMS AND IT STILL DOES NOT WORK.
[TalkTalk] Do you have any other telephone lines at your house?
[AC] Yes, one other.
[TalkTalk] Do you have a microfilter on that line
[AC] No, it does not need a microfilter, there is not broadband on that line and it is entirely separate.
[TalkTalk] But you must have a microfilter on every line!
[AC] No I don’t, it is a separate line, nothing to do with TalkTalk IT DOES NOT NEED A MICROFILTER!
[TalkTalk] I will check that.
(put on hold)
[TalkTalk] Yes, you do not need a microfilter. What I need to do is to pass you on to another person to help (I am put on hold another person takes over)
[TalkTalk] Are you plugged directly into the test socket?
[AC] What “test” socket?
[TalkTalk] If you take off the cover of the BT socket you will find a test socket. You need to plug your microfilter into there.
[AC] If I do that I will terminate the call.
[TalkTalk] But you must be plugged into the “test” socket.
[AC] OK, OK I WILL TERMINATE THE CALL, PLUG INTO THE TEST SOCKET, CALL BACK AND ANSWER ALL YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS AGAIN.

(I get out the toolbox, take off the cover and connect to the test socket)

Call 4
Call out the instigator...
[Recorded] Please choose from the following options…
[Recorded] Please enter the number you are calling about…
[TalkTalk] Thank you for calling… my name is… …please tell me the number you are calling about… …can you confirm your name… …your address and post code… …and your bank the direct debit is with… … how can I help?…
[AC] My broadband has stopped working. I have called three times already, and was told to change the microfilter, which I have, and plug it into the test socket, which I have but it still does not work.
[TalkTalk] You will need to call our second line support. Do you have a pen and paper?…

Call 5 To second line support (UK call centre)
Call out the instigator...
[Recorded] Please choose from the following options…
[Recorded] Please enter the number you are calling about…
[TalkTalk] Thank you for calling… my name is… …please tell me the number you are calling about… …can you confirm your name… …your address and post code… …and your bank the direct debit is with… … how can I help?…
[AC] My broadband does not work. I have tried three different microfilters, two different modems, plugged it into the BT test socket but zilch, nothing, no ASDL signal. It connects then immediately drops.
[TalkTalk] What modem are you using?
[AC] Speedtouch 330.
[TalkTalk] That’s not the best modem do you have another?
[AC] The only reason that I dragged the Speedtouch 330 out was because your helpline could not help me with a Netgear router.
[TalkTalk] Can you plug in the Netgear router for me.
[AC] Yes, but I will need a few minutes to set it up.
[TalkTalk] That’s OK I will call back in 10 minutes.

(I plug everything to how it was originally)

Call 6 They call back
[TalkTalk] Hello Mr Crawford
[AC] Hi, it’s all plugged in.
[TalkTalk] I will run some strength tests
[AC] OK… (waits)
[TalkTalk] Mr Crawford, I can’t seem to pick up a broadband signal on that line
[AC] Gee, no kidding!
[TalkTalk] What I will need to do is submit a report to have the line tested, if they find a fault it will be fixed, if not it is a problem your end. Call back in two days if there is still a problem.

Within two days the service was restored, with no further action on my part. The first 4 calls which took around an hour and a half in total appeared to be to a foreign call centre, and were, in this instance a complete waste of time. However, TalkTalk saves me around £600 pa compared to a BT package.